Stupid Criminals

This collection of stories is based on actual events. However, to protect the innocent, but mostly the guilty, names have been changed.

My baby ate my homework.

Security officers filmed Jane as she pushed a baby stroller around the store with a small infant. As she went around the store she stuffed clothes, earrings, and DVDs into the stroller and then pushed it out of the store without paying. When confronted by security, she claimed that she had a receipt for all the items in the stroller, but that her baby ate it. Throw baby under the bus.

Turn yourself in.

While drinking at a bar, Homer, 5’ 2”, told a woman that she had “nice tits.” The woman’s 6’ 6” twin brother took offense, pushed Homer and told him to leave his sister alone. Humiliated, but not really wanting to take on the twin brother, Homer called 911 and said he had been assaulted. When the cops arrived they took down Homer’s name and discovered he was on a DUI deferred prosecution. This means as long as Homer goes to alcohol treatment, does not go to bars, and does not drink for one year; his DUI charge would have been dismissed. The twin brother got a “stern” talking to by the police officer. Homer went to jail for 45 days for violating the terms of his deferred prosecution. I don’t understand, that line always works.

Turn yourself in.

While at a bar on another matter, police officers found a film canister with white powder in it. Believing it to be cocaine, they asked whose canister it was. Everyone pointed to Jane. Jane started yelling, “Did you see me touch it? Did you see it in my purse? It isn’t mine you motherfuckers.” When an on site drug test came up negative, Jane said, “I told you, you dumbshits.” As a final insult, she triumphantly pushed an officer so she could sit back down at her table. The officer promptly arrested Jane for disorderly conduct, did a pat-down search of her jacket and found a glass pipe and a bag of marijuana. Win the battle, lose the war.

Myspace for dummies.

Jane beat up Dorothy. When the police contacted Jane, she denied knowing anything about it. Because it was a he said/he said situation, the police decided not to arrest Jane. Two days later, Dorothy came back to the police station with copies of Jane’s myspace blog, where Jane explained in graphic detail how she had kicked Dorothy’s ass. Jane spent 60 days in jail. www stands for worldwide web.

Tape your own mouth shut.

Dorothy wrote out a police report claiming that Homer had threatened to break her legs. When confronted by the police, Homer admitted that he had made the threat. When the police asked why he threatened Dorothy, all Homer could think of to say was, “Because I duct taped her to a chair last week, but she worked her way loose.” You can fix anything with duct tape.

Oops, wrong room.

Drunk as a skunk, Homer could not find the keys to his apartment so he decided to crawl in a window. He went around the back of his apartment and threw a beer bottle through it so he could crawl in. He did not realize he had broken the wrong window until he was halfway inside the window and met a screaming 15 year old girl who scratched at his face. After he fell out of the window back into the yard, he just sat there until the police came. Upon investigation the police figured out he was just trying to get into his own apartment. The girl recognized him as her neighbor and did not want to press charges. Because Homer was so drunk, two officers each grabbed one of his arms to help him back to his own apartment. Thinking they were going to arrest him and take him to jail, he broke free from their grasp and punched one of the officers. After that, the officers did arrest him. Unfortunately for Homer, he was an illegal alien, and got deported. Talk about your tequila sunrise.

Merry Christmas.

During the wee hours of Christmas morning, Jane repeatedly called her ex-husband and his new wife on the telephone. Each time she told him that he had a teeny-weenie weenie, giggled, and then hung up. After the third call, her ex-husband recorded the phone calls on his answering machine. She did not stop until the police arrived at her home. Jane spent the rest of Christmas in jail. Ho, ho, ho.

Pick on someone your own size.

Homer’s girlfriend left him for a new boyfriend. When Homer spotted the new boyfriend at a local auto parts store, he and three friends stopped, entered the store, and challenged the new boyfriend to a fight. After the new boyfriend repeatedly declined to “step outside,” Homer called him a pussy. Homer’s friends grabbed the new boyfriend and dragged him outside. An employee called the cops. Outside in the parking lot, Homer’s friends released the new boyfriend. Homer feigned a few punches and dared the new boyfriend to hit him so he could then kick his ass. Surrounded by Homer and his three friends, the new boyfriend feared for his life, so he took off his belt and whipped Homer across the head with his belt buckle. Homer’s friends ran. When the police arrived they arrested Homer for starting a fight and took him the emergency room where it took 29 stitches to sew up his head wound. Float like a butterfly, cry like a baby.

You have the right to remain silent, use it.

Under the watchful eyes of security, Jane stole 4 DVDs from Store A and landed up in jail. On the ride to the courtroom for her arraignment, she tried to score some drugs for when she got out on bail. She told the other prisoners that the day before she got picked up for shoplifting at Store A, she stole a digital camera from Store B and could get money to pay for the drugs. The transporting officer got a search warrant, went to her house and found the stolen camera. She was charged with a felony and went to prison. Doh!