Recently, my daughter received a brochure from Tufts University. I told her that it would sure be nice if she went to the State college because then we could see her on the weekends once in awhile. This is a Dad-speak for, "Both your freakin' parents have to be freakin' doctors if you want to go to Tufts." Which brings me to my subject: Peter Yanowitz. Peter went to the same high school as me and did go to Tufts. Yes that is right, both of his parents were freakin' doctors.
Peter was the kind of guy who would smuggle hardware out of shop class (i.e. nuts, bolts, nails, washers), and then he would go around and ask a girl if she would like a screw, quickly holding out his hand with a screw in it. I went to high school in Salt Lake City, so the answer was always no. When the girl said, "no," he would hold out his other hand and say, "Could you at least hold my nuts?"
Peter was very popular. In fact, he was elected to be a cheerleader. He wowed the electorate with his cheer of "1-2-3-4-5, Skyline Eagles don't take no jive."
Wondering what happened to old Peter, I did what someone with too much time on his hands does, I googled him.
To date, my biggest claim to fame was that I sat next to Miss America's sister in my History class. But now, it seems Peter has formed an almost famous rock group called Morningwood. As I understand it, they have signed with an independent label. To my understanding, independent label is a euphemism for, "the bandmembers have rich parents willing to subsidize their children's music careers." It also seems that Peter has borrowed from his creative genius of 1-2-3-4-5 and written another cheer, er song, where an overweight cheerleader, er lead singer, repeatedly spells out M-O-R-N-I-N-G-W-O-O-D. Hey, this style appealed to teenagers in Utah, why not a larger audience?
Having seen Peter in the locker room, I can understand why he would call his band Morningwood. Wishful thinking on his part. If you tattooed the name of his band right below his circumcision, it would simply say M-O-R. If he is a stark realist, he will pen a song called M-O-R-P-L-E-A-S-E.
Morningwood's lead singer reminds me of Sue Ball, but that is another story.
It also seems that Peter has changed his name to Pedro. My guess is that it had something to do with a girl. The name change actually reminds me of a joke Peter used to tell in high school. It went something like this (I adapted it a little):
Peter is riding a bus in downtown L.A. to his next drum tryout when a mouthwatering blonde gets on, sits down, and just starts bawling. Peter leans over and says, "What's wrong? Can I help?"
The blonde lets out, "I just got back from my shrink and she gave me very bad news."
"What did she say?"
"She said I was a nymphomaniac."
"What is so bad about that?" Asks Peter, now very interested.
"What so bad is that I am only attracted to Jewish men."
"I'm Jewish," says Peter, now very hopeful.
"But they have to be Jewish men from Mexico. Where am I going to find a Jewish man from Mexico? Hey, I feel bad telling you my big sob story. What is your name, anyway?"
"Pedro Yanowitz."
Well, that is my brush with fame. Rock on Peter, er Pedro!
Monday, December 24, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Ode to Britney Spears
Has been calling to her faraway fans
Her bore-dom declared-and the bars closed down
Has Been calling to the underworld
Come out of the cupboard, all you boys and girls
Has Been calling, now don't look at us
All that phoney Britney-mania has bitten the dust
Has Been calling, see she ain't got no swing'
Cept for the ring of that baby-fat thing
CHORUS
The ice age is coming, the sun is zooming in
Hits have stop coming and the act is growing thin
Another career error, but I have no fear
Has Been is drowning-and I live by the river
Has Been calling to the imitation zone
Forget it, sister, an' go it alone
Has Been calling upon the groupie of death
Quit holding out-and draw another breath
Has Been calling-and she don't wanna shout
But when she was talking-I saw you sneaking out
Has Been calling, see she got no more highs
Except for her fans waving good-bye
CHORUS
Now get this
Has Been calling, yeah, I was there, too
An' you know what they said?
Well, some of it was true!
Has Been calling at the top of the dial
After all this, won't you give us a smile?
I never felt so much a' drunk, a’ drunk, a’ drunk
Her bore-dom declared-and the bars closed down
Has Been calling to the underworld
Come out of the cupboard, all you boys and girls
Has Been calling, now don't look at us
All that phoney Britney-mania has bitten the dust
Has Been calling, see she ain't got no swing'
Cept for the ring of that baby-fat thing
CHORUS
The ice age is coming, the sun is zooming in
Hits have stop coming and the act is growing thin
Another career error, but I have no fear
Has Been is drowning-and I live by the river
Has Been calling to the imitation zone
Forget it, sister, an' go it alone
Has Been calling upon the groupie of death
Quit holding out-and draw another breath
Has Been calling-and she don't wanna shout
But when she was talking-I saw you sneaking out
Has Been calling, see she got no more highs
Except for her fans waving good-bye
CHORUS
Now get this
Has Been calling, yeah, I was there, too
An' you know what they said?
Well, some of it was true!
Has Been calling at the top of the dial
After all this, won't you give us a smile?
I never felt so much a' drunk, a’ drunk, a’ drunk
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Stupid Criminals
This collection of stories is based on actual events. However, to protect the innocent, but mostly the guilty, names have been changed.
My baby ate my homework.
Security officers filmed Jane as she pushed a baby stroller around the store with a small infant. As she went around the store she stuffed clothes, earrings, and DVDs into the stroller and then pushed it out of the store without paying. When confronted by security, she claimed that she had a receipt for all the items in the stroller, but that her baby ate it. Throw baby under the bus.
Turn yourself in.
While drinking at a bar, Homer, 5’ 2”, told a woman that she had “nice tits.” The woman’s 6’ 6” twin brother took offense, pushed Homer and told him to leave his sister alone. Humiliated, but not really wanting to take on the twin brother, Homer called 911 and said he had been assaulted. When the cops arrived they took down Homer’s name and discovered he was on a DUI deferred prosecution. This means as long as Homer goes to alcohol treatment, does not go to bars, and does not drink for one year; his DUI charge would have been dismissed. The twin brother got a “stern” talking to by the police officer. Homer went to jail for 45 days for violating the terms of his deferred prosecution. I don’t understand, that line always works.
Turn yourself in.
While at a bar on another matter, police officers found a film canister with white powder in it. Believing it to be cocaine, they asked whose canister it was. Everyone pointed to Jane. Jane started yelling, “Did you see me touch it? Did you see it in my purse? It isn’t mine you motherfuckers.” When an on site drug test came up negative, Jane said, “I told you, you dumbshits.” As a final insult, she triumphantly pushed an officer so she could sit back down at her table. The officer promptly arrested Jane for disorderly conduct, did a pat-down search of her jacket and found a glass pipe and a bag of marijuana. Win the battle, lose the war.
Myspace for dummies.
Jane beat up Dorothy. When the police contacted Jane, she denied knowing anything about it. Because it was a he said/he said situation, the police decided not to arrest Jane. Two days later, Dorothy came back to the police station with copies of Jane’s myspace blog, where Jane explained in graphic detail how she had kicked Dorothy’s ass. Jane spent 60 days in jail. www stands for worldwide web.
Tape your own mouth shut.
Dorothy wrote out a police report claiming that Homer had threatened to break her legs. When confronted by the police, Homer admitted that he had made the threat. When the police asked why he threatened Dorothy, all Homer could think of to say was, “Because I duct taped her to a chair last week, but she worked her way loose.” You can fix anything with duct tape.
Oops, wrong room.
Drunk as a skunk, Homer could not find the keys to his apartment so he decided to crawl in a window. He went around the back of his apartment and threw a beer bottle through it so he could crawl in. He did not realize he had broken the wrong window until he was halfway inside the window and met a screaming 15 year old girl who scratched at his face. After he fell out of the window back into the yard, he just sat there until the police came. Upon investigation the police figured out he was just trying to get into his own apartment. The girl recognized him as her neighbor and did not want to press charges. Because Homer was so drunk, two officers each grabbed one of his arms to help him back to his own apartment. Thinking they were going to arrest him and take him to jail, he broke free from their grasp and punched one of the officers. After that, the officers did arrest him. Unfortunately for Homer, he was an illegal alien, and got deported. Talk about your tequila sunrise.
Merry Christmas.
During the wee hours of Christmas morning, Jane repeatedly called her ex-husband and his new wife on the telephone. Each time she told him that he had a teeny-weenie weenie, giggled, and then hung up. After the third call, her ex-husband recorded the phone calls on his answering machine. She did not stop until the police arrived at her home. Jane spent the rest of Christmas in jail. Ho, ho, ho.
Pick on someone your own size.
Homer’s girlfriend left him for a new boyfriend. When Homer spotted the new boyfriend at a local auto parts store, he and three friends stopped, entered the store, and challenged the new boyfriend to a fight. After the new boyfriend repeatedly declined to “step outside,” Homer called him a pussy. Homer’s friends grabbed the new boyfriend and dragged him outside. An employee called the cops. Outside in the parking lot, Homer’s friends released the new boyfriend. Homer feigned a few punches and dared the new boyfriend to hit him so he could then kick his ass. Surrounded by Homer and his three friends, the new boyfriend feared for his life, so he took off his belt and whipped Homer across the head with his belt buckle. Homer’s friends ran. When the police arrived they arrested Homer for starting a fight and took him the emergency room where it took 29 stitches to sew up his head wound. Float like a butterfly, cry like a baby.
You have the right to remain silent, use it.
Under the watchful eyes of security, Jane stole 4 DVDs from Store A and landed up in jail. On the ride to the courtroom for her arraignment, she tried to score some drugs for when she got out on bail. She told the other prisoners that the day before she got picked up for shoplifting at Store A, she stole a digital camera from Store B and could get money to pay for the drugs. The transporting officer got a search warrant, went to her house and found the stolen camera. She was charged with a felony and went to prison. Doh!
My baby ate my homework.
Security officers filmed Jane as she pushed a baby stroller around the store with a small infant. As she went around the store she stuffed clothes, earrings, and DVDs into the stroller and then pushed it out of the store without paying. When confronted by security, she claimed that she had a receipt for all the items in the stroller, but that her baby ate it. Throw baby under the bus.
Turn yourself in.
While drinking at a bar, Homer, 5’ 2”, told a woman that she had “nice tits.” The woman’s 6’ 6” twin brother took offense, pushed Homer and told him to leave his sister alone. Humiliated, but not really wanting to take on the twin brother, Homer called 911 and said he had been assaulted. When the cops arrived they took down Homer’s name and discovered he was on a DUI deferred prosecution. This means as long as Homer goes to alcohol treatment, does not go to bars, and does not drink for one year; his DUI charge would have been dismissed. The twin brother got a “stern” talking to by the police officer. Homer went to jail for 45 days for violating the terms of his deferred prosecution. I don’t understand, that line always works.
Turn yourself in.
While at a bar on another matter, police officers found a film canister with white powder in it. Believing it to be cocaine, they asked whose canister it was. Everyone pointed to Jane. Jane started yelling, “Did you see me touch it? Did you see it in my purse? It isn’t mine you motherfuckers.” When an on site drug test came up negative, Jane said, “I told you, you dumbshits.” As a final insult, she triumphantly pushed an officer so she could sit back down at her table. The officer promptly arrested Jane for disorderly conduct, did a pat-down search of her jacket and found a glass pipe and a bag of marijuana. Win the battle, lose the war.
Myspace for dummies.
Jane beat up Dorothy. When the police contacted Jane, she denied knowing anything about it. Because it was a he said/he said situation, the police decided not to arrest Jane. Two days later, Dorothy came back to the police station with copies of Jane’s myspace blog, where Jane explained in graphic detail how she had kicked Dorothy’s ass. Jane spent 60 days in jail. www stands for worldwide web.
Tape your own mouth shut.
Dorothy wrote out a police report claiming that Homer had threatened to break her legs. When confronted by the police, Homer admitted that he had made the threat. When the police asked why he threatened Dorothy, all Homer could think of to say was, “Because I duct taped her to a chair last week, but she worked her way loose.” You can fix anything with duct tape.
Oops, wrong room.
Drunk as a skunk, Homer could not find the keys to his apartment so he decided to crawl in a window. He went around the back of his apartment and threw a beer bottle through it so he could crawl in. He did not realize he had broken the wrong window until he was halfway inside the window and met a screaming 15 year old girl who scratched at his face. After he fell out of the window back into the yard, he just sat there until the police came. Upon investigation the police figured out he was just trying to get into his own apartment. The girl recognized him as her neighbor and did not want to press charges. Because Homer was so drunk, two officers each grabbed one of his arms to help him back to his own apartment. Thinking they were going to arrest him and take him to jail, he broke free from their grasp and punched one of the officers. After that, the officers did arrest him. Unfortunately for Homer, he was an illegal alien, and got deported. Talk about your tequila sunrise.
Merry Christmas.
During the wee hours of Christmas morning, Jane repeatedly called her ex-husband and his new wife on the telephone. Each time she told him that he had a teeny-weenie weenie, giggled, and then hung up. After the third call, her ex-husband recorded the phone calls on his answering machine. She did not stop until the police arrived at her home. Jane spent the rest of Christmas in jail. Ho, ho, ho.
Pick on someone your own size.
Homer’s girlfriend left him for a new boyfriend. When Homer spotted the new boyfriend at a local auto parts store, he and three friends stopped, entered the store, and challenged the new boyfriend to a fight. After the new boyfriend repeatedly declined to “step outside,” Homer called him a pussy. Homer’s friends grabbed the new boyfriend and dragged him outside. An employee called the cops. Outside in the parking lot, Homer’s friends released the new boyfriend. Homer feigned a few punches and dared the new boyfriend to hit him so he could then kick his ass. Surrounded by Homer and his three friends, the new boyfriend feared for his life, so he took off his belt and whipped Homer across the head with his belt buckle. Homer’s friends ran. When the police arrived they arrested Homer for starting a fight and took him the emergency room where it took 29 stitches to sew up his head wound. Float like a butterfly, cry like a baby.
You have the right to remain silent, use it.
Under the watchful eyes of security, Jane stole 4 DVDs from Store A and landed up in jail. On the ride to the courtroom for her arraignment, she tried to score some drugs for when she got out on bail. She told the other prisoners that the day before she got picked up for shoplifting at Store A, she stole a digital camera from Store B and could get money to pay for the drugs. The transporting officer got a search warrant, went to her house and found the stolen camera. She was charged with a felony and went to prison. Doh!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Mormon Church Hierarchy
My kids came home with definitions of various orchestra members. I made a few adaptations.
A Close and Factual Look at the Mormon Church’s Local Leadership System
Stake President
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to god.
Stake President’s Counselor
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with god.
High Councilor
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water on an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with god if special request is approved.
Bishop
Makes mark high on a wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Loses a tug-of-war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by god.
Young Men/Young Women President
Barely clears a tool shed.
Gets run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring self.
Dog-paddles.
Has interesting conversations with animals.
Primary President
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
Sunday School President
Too lazy to attempt getting up, let alone any sort of leap.
Drives the locomotive.
Stole some ammunition for fun. Though he has no gun.
Must wear floaties on both arms.
Doesn't believe in God.
Elder’s Quorum President
Falls over self trying to climb into bed.
Says, "Look, a choo-choo."
Doesn't even get a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
Relief Society President
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.
A Close and Factual Look at the Mormon Church’s Local Leadership System
Stake President
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to god.
Stake President’s Counselor
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with god.
High Councilor
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water on an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with god if special request is approved.
Bishop
Makes mark high on a wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Loses a tug-of-war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by god.
Young Men/Young Women President
Barely clears a tool shed.
Gets run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring self.
Dog-paddles.
Has interesting conversations with animals.
Primary President
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
Sunday School President
Too lazy to attempt getting up, let alone any sort of leap.
Drives the locomotive.
Stole some ammunition for fun. Though he has no gun.
Must wear floaties on both arms.
Doesn't believe in God.
Elder’s Quorum President
Falls over self trying to climb into bed.
Says, "Look, a choo-choo."
Doesn't even get a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
Relief Society President
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Watch Your Language
One night we were sitting around the dinner table telling jokes. My high school daughter said she had a good joke that was bad. Of course, my wife's female DNA kicked in and she told my daughter that she better not tell the joke. Of course, my hard-wired, male DNA kicked in too and kept telling me that there was no such thing as a bad joke (as long as it is good).
So not wanting to look cowardly in front of the children, I waited until my wife left the dining room and promptly told my daughter to tell the joke. She did. It went like this:
How do get an elephant into a Safeway store?
How?
You take the "s" out of "safe" and the "f" out of "way."
I don't get it. There is no "f" in "way."
Exactly.
After a few minutes, the joke dawned on me. Always willing to share my fatherly wisdom with the other kids, I explained why the joke was funny. Even after my succinct explanation, my 12-year old son did not get it. But if everyone else thought it was funny, he decided he would put it in his joke repertoire.
Unfortunately, the first time he pulled it out of his repertoire was at a Boy Scout meeting sponsored by the local church. He told it to another 12-year old boy, whom I will call John Wilson. John's parents consider the Puritans a little liberal for their tastes and pretty lax on moral issues. John did not get a PlayStation for Christmas, but probably a buggy whip.
I don't know how well my son delivered the joke, but John got it. But his parents must of had his male DNA surgically removed because John did not think the joke was funny at all. He promptly ran to the scoutmaster and tattled on my son for using inappropriate language in a church building.
Seeing an opportunity to solve a problem and/or assert his authority (I'll find out shortly, see next paragraph), the Scoutmaster marched on over to my son and demanded, "Tell me what you just told John." Being obedient by nature and still not getting the joke, my son responded,
"There is no 'f' in 'way.'"
Tonight I have to meet with the church leaders and the scout leaders to "discuss" this "situation." Being a good father, I will explain to them that it was not my son's fault. It was my wife's fault for leaving the dining room.
So not wanting to look cowardly in front of the children, I waited until my wife left the dining room and promptly told my daughter to tell the joke. She did. It went like this:
How do get an elephant into a Safeway store?
How?
You take the "s" out of "safe" and the "f" out of "way."
I don't get it. There is no "f" in "way."
Exactly.
After a few minutes, the joke dawned on me. Always willing to share my fatherly wisdom with the other kids, I explained why the joke was funny. Even after my succinct explanation, my 12-year old son did not get it. But if everyone else thought it was funny, he decided he would put it in his joke repertoire.
Unfortunately, the first time he pulled it out of his repertoire was at a Boy Scout meeting sponsored by the local church. He told it to another 12-year old boy, whom I will call John Wilson. John's parents consider the Puritans a little liberal for their tastes and pretty lax on moral issues. John did not get a PlayStation for Christmas, but probably a buggy whip.
I don't know how well my son delivered the joke, but John got it. But his parents must of had his male DNA surgically removed because John did not think the joke was funny at all. He promptly ran to the scoutmaster and tattled on my son for using inappropriate language in a church building.
Seeing an opportunity to solve a problem and/or assert his authority (I'll find out shortly, see next paragraph), the Scoutmaster marched on over to my son and demanded, "Tell me what you just told John." Being obedient by nature and still not getting the joke, my son responded,
"There is no 'f' in 'way.'"
Tonight I have to meet with the church leaders and the scout leaders to "discuss" this "situation." Being a good father, I will explain to them that it was not my son's fault. It was my wife's fault for leaving the dining room.
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