I am married to Morgan Fairchild

Below is a fact pattern from a recent police report (names have been changed). It reminds me of the old Saturday Night Live bit by Jon Lovitz where he would go around saying, “I am married to Morgan Fairchild. Yeah, that’s it.”

It also reminds me of this old joke. When God was putting Adam together, he told him about all the wonderful things a brain can do, then he told him about the wonderful things a penis can do. Then he asked Adam which one he would like and Adam said he would like both. God told him that he could do that, but that there was a catch: He could not use both at the same time.

A police officer told Homer that it appeared very suspicious that he was parked near the side of the road having sex with a female who he did not know the name of and that he suspected she was a prostitute. Homer agreed that it looked suspicious, but assured the officer that the female was his fiancée and her name was Georgia. Homer stated he felt embarrassed that he did not know her last name and thought it could be Park. After the officer pointed out that Homer was parked on Georgia St., Homer admitted her name was probably not Georgia, but still insisted that she was his fiancée.

Politcal Candidates Are Tough

I am always amazed at how tough political candidates are. Take Hillary Clinton for example. In the Iowa caucus, she lost so bad it made her cry. She was like a mortally wounded soccer player that had to be carried off the field on a stretcher. Her campaign was over; it was time for her to throw in the towel. Oh wait, Obama won 18 delegates and she won 17. Does not sound like a landslide defeat to me.

So like those tough-guy soccer players who drag themselves off the stretcher through the sheer will to live and get back into the game, Hillary went on to the New Hampshire primaries and won. She toughed it out, she overcame all odds. Now she will steamroll over everyone on the way to the White House. Obama is so desperate he borrowed a line from the Littlest Engine That Could and is going around giving speeches centered on the mantra of “Yes, we can.”
Of course, tough guy that he is, Obama will drag himself off that stretcher through sheer force of will and get back in the game. Oh wait, Obama actually won 12 delegates in New Hampshire and Hillary only won 11.

Not to be outdone, the Republicans are a bunch of tough guys too. Huckabee can’t raise any money, but he toughed it out and won in Iowa. Mainly, because he reminded everyone of their pastor. McCain lost big in Iowa, but toughed it out and won a miraculous “comeback” in New Hampshire. Oh by the way, he campaigned there a lot and won there in 2000. The underdog won? Comeback?

Of course, Romney is a tough guy too. Even though he was soundly defeated in Iowa and New Hampshire, he is going to tough it out and keep campaigning. He is telling us, “My leg is broken in two places, but I think I can still dribble the ball down the field.” Oh by the way, Romney has won the most Republican delegates so far.

But in the end, politics is not about toughness. It just does not matter how tough Hillary and McCain are. American voters will do what they always do. They will closely analyze the issues, determine which candidate most closely aligns with their beliefs, and then go to the polling booth and vote for the tallest candidate. Hillary and McCain did not lose the nomination in Iowa or New Hampshire, they lost it at birth.

Unlike Nixon, Clinton beat his impeachment trial. Unlike Nixon, Clinton had the good fortune of being tall.